I'm suddenly finding myself with time. Time is a funny old thing isn't it, it's supposed to be constant, never changing, exact. Recently, I've found time changing, slipping through my fingers. No matter how hard I've tried to grasp it tight, before I know it, it's gone.....so quick. I just haven't been able to fit everything into the day that I hoped.
Knowing that Mum was in the last few days of her life has amplified time, made it more acute, more precious. I spent as much time as I could during her last few weeks, my usual life put on hold.
Tuesday was my last evening with her, just mum and me, listening to the radio. She held my finger, she was so ill and yet she communicated so much through the touch of my finger. I wanted time to stand still, to freeze that moment, suspend it. But how could I wish this, when I knew how ill she was, how much she was suffering? No that would have been selfish. She couldn't stay, not like this.
And so I told her all about my garden plans, the things I wanted to plant, and the garden room I'm hoping for. I told her I was ok, that she had bought up three daughters, who were strong, who knew how to enjoy life, it was ok to leave us, we would be alright. She had done a great job.
And the last few minutes of mums life were the hardest I've ever experienced. To know that someone you love so much, will soon leave you is incredibly painful.....and I hope us being there helped her, as she has helped us all our lives.
And time now, well it seems endless. I have so much time, I've got a huge gap to fill. A Mum-Shaped Hole. How do you fill a Mum-Shaped Hole. At this moment, I'm not sure.
Over the last few endless days, I've started to finish off some of my crafty projects. And I will continue to put my 'extra' time to good use, there a whole lot of crafting that needs to be done.....after all creativity is good for the soul.
I stared this blog just as my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, partly as a way of reconnecting with her again....through our crafty ways. I've got so much more from it. I've found a whole new community, joined together through their love of craft.
My Mum would have loved this little space of mine......and maybe now, she can read it......
Bye for now,
Ada :) xxx