I would like to thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. Although I've not been able to reply to you all, knowing you're thinking of me and mum has helped, enormously.
Mum is still with us, fighting on......exactly as we knew she would. She's comfortable with those she loves around her. Some tears, much love and a bit of laughter. I wish she would just drift off, but that ain't her way. Oh no, not my mum.
I've taken on many roles this week....daughter, a role that will soon cease, mother, sister, friend, nursemaid. I've sat with relatives who have come to say goodbye, handed out the tissues when needed, encouraged mum to sip from her cup, bathed her eyes, kissed her forehead, held her hand. I've hummed songs to her, (I don't sing as I know this will be too painful for her!).
I'm having to make on of the most difficult decisions of my life so far.....I really do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Which of my roles is the most important? I keep swinging from one to the other. My role as a daughter, which has been so important over the last few years. I've looked after her, kept her safe, loved and comforted her when she's been scared and confused. Then there's my role as a Mum, very, very important. The girls have been great, they know I'm not been around much this week, they know why. Then there's my role as a sister, we've laughter and cried a lot this week, when one sinks the others lift.
We've a holiday booked.....to start this weekend. A much longed for trip to Cornwall. Sometimes I'm thinking we will go, I know it's what Mum would tell me to do. In her book you put your role as a Mum first, she always did. I can do this I think, my family need a holiday. I can do this, I can be happy, have fun with my family. And then I'm consumed with a sense panic at the thought of leaving her. It's so overwhelming it takes my breath.
I've been fortunate so far in my life that I've not had to make too many difficult decisions. This ones is pants, (I could think of more choice words, but I won't).
So I've asked my Mum if she wants a trip down to St.Ives next week with me....I've told her we can have a little walk along the beach, see what treasures we can find. A bit of sea glass, a piece of drift wood, like we used too. We will have a little paddle, eat some fish 'n' chips as we watch the waves....and if she's really good I will by her an ice-cream with a chocolate flake. Yes, it's been far too long since she visited the sea, I really really hope she can join me there.....
I just wish I could chop myself into two.
Bye for now,