Sunday, 24 August 2014

Time, and A Hole.......

 

 
 
I'm suddenly finding myself with time. Time is a funny old thing isn't it, it's supposed to be constant, never changing, exact. Recently, I've found time changing, slipping through my fingers. No matter how hard I've tried to grasp it tight, before I know it, it's gone.....so quick. I just haven't been able to fit everything into the day that I hoped.
 
 
 
 
 
Knowing that Mum was in the last few days of her life has amplified time, made it more acute, more precious. I spent as much time as I could during her last few weeks, my usual life put on hold.
 
 
 
 
Tuesday was my last evening with her, just mum and me, listening to the radio. She held my finger, she was so ill and yet she communicated so much through the touch of my finger. I wanted time to stand still, to freeze that moment, suspend it. But how could I wish this, when I knew how ill she was, how much she was suffering? No that would have been selfish. She couldn't stay, not like this.
 
 
 
 
 
And so I told her all about my garden plans, the things I wanted to plant, and the garden room I'm hoping for. I told her I was ok, that she had bought up three daughters, who were strong, who knew how to enjoy life, it was ok to leave us, we would be alright. She had done a great job.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And the last few minutes of mums life were the hardest I've ever experienced. To know that someone you love so much, will soon leave you is incredibly painful.....and I hope us being there helped her, as she has helped us all our lives.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And time now, well it seems endless. I have so much time, I've got a huge gap to fill. A Mum-Shaped Hole. How do you fill a Mum-Shaped Hole. At this moment, I'm not sure.
 
 
 
 
 
Over the last few endless days, I've started to finish off some of my crafty projects. And I will continue to put my 'extra' time to good use, there a whole lot of crafting that needs to be done.....after all creativity is good for the soul.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I stared this blog just as my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, partly as a way of reconnecting with her again....through our crafty ways. I've got so much more from it. I've found a whole new community, joined together through their love of craft.
 
My Mum would have loved this little space of mine......and maybe now, she can read it......
 
 
 
Bye for now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Rest In Peace, My Beautiful Mum.

 

 
 
 
My Beautiful Mum passed away this afternoon. Myself and my sisters were with her, telling her how much we loved her, and what a brilliant Mum she had been.
 
She stayed awake until the moment she left us, tears rolling down her cheeks. She faced her death, as she faced life....full on, brave, and giving out love. She gave us her love to her last breath.
 
It was a privilege to be with her, supporting her to the end. It was a privilege to have been her daughter.
 
The lady who called me Ada Bea has gone from this world, but through this blog I can still be Ada Bea.
 
Thank you all for you love and support, to which I am very grateful,
 
 
Ada Bea :) xxx
 
 
 

 

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Precious Moments....

 

 
 
 
Firstly I would like to thank everyone for you're fabulous support, and to say I'm sorry that I've been so absent. Time is very precious at the moment, I'm able to quickly pop images on to IG, but very little else.
 
 
Despite what the medics said, Mum is still with us, five weeks on, doing what she does best, being a mum and being determined to live! That determination to stay with us has been amazing, but it's also painful to watch.
 
 
We've all been spending as much time as we possibly can with her. Some family and friends have come to say goodbye, not wishing to see her towards the end. I can completely empathise with that decision. It's heartbreaking to see someone you love so much, decline in front of your eyes.
 
The last few weeks have been bittersweet. There have been tremendously sad times, where you feel like your own heart will stop, you can't take anymore. Then there are the most beautiful, inspiring moments, when you know there is so much love, your heart with burst.
 
We have been blessed with moments of real clarity, where mum knows exactly who we are, and she knows exactly how much she loves us. This really is a gift, especially when your parent has Alzheimer's, and these bits of information have been missing.
 
 
So many precious moments, in a time that is so incredibly hard.
 
 
And we did go to Cornwall....it was a beautiful week, and whilst I so wanted to be by mums side, I knew she would insist I spend time with my girls. I will share our holiday at some point, record those moments.
 
 
 
 
 
It's been incredible important for me to finish my Mothers Love blanket, which I did, and took it to show mum. I described all the colours and popped it under her hand.
 
 
And so we take one moment at a time. Each moment is precious and heart wrenching in equal measure. The balance is tipping, the sand is running out but we know Our Mum.....she's full of surprises, never quite doing what people expect of her. We could be a while yet....
 
 
Much love,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Between A Rock And A Hard Place.....

 

 
 
 
I would like to thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. Although I've not been able to reply to you all, knowing you're thinking of me and mum has helped, enormously.
 
 
 
 
 
Mum is still with us, fighting on......exactly as we knew she would. She's comfortable with those she loves around her. Some tears, much love and a bit of laughter. I wish she would just drift off, but that ain't her way. Oh no, not my mum.
 
I've taken on many roles this week....daughter, a role that will soon cease, mother, sister, friend, nursemaid. I've sat with relatives who have come to say goodbye, handed out the tissues when needed, encouraged mum to sip from her cup, bathed her eyes, kissed her forehead, held her hand. I've hummed songs to her, (I don't sing as I know this will be too painful for her!).
 
 
 
 
 
 
I'm having to make on of the most difficult decisions of my life so far.....I really do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
 
 
Which of my roles is the most important? I keep swinging from one to the other. My role as a daughter, which has been so important over the last few years. I've looked after her, kept her safe, loved and comforted her when she's been scared and confused. Then there's my role as a Mum, very, very important. The girls have been great, they know I'm not been around much this week, they know why. Then there's my role as a sister, we've laughter and cried a lot this week, when one sinks the others lift.
 
 
 
 
 
 
We've a holiday booked.....to start this weekend. A much longed for trip to Cornwall. Sometimes I'm thinking we will go, I know it's what Mum would tell me to do. In her book you put your role as a Mum first, she always did. I can do this I think, my family need a holiday. I can do this, I can be happy, have fun with my family. And then I'm consumed with a sense panic at the thought of leaving her. It's so overwhelming it takes my breath.
 
 
I've been fortunate so far in my life that I've not had to make too many difficult decisions. This ones is pants, (I could think of more choice words, but I won't).
 
 
 
 
 
 
So I've asked my Mum if she wants a trip down to St.Ives next week with me....I've told her we can have a little walk along the beach, see what treasures we can find. A bit of sea glass, a piece of drift wood, like we used too. We will have a little paddle, eat some fish 'n' chips as we watch the waves....and if she's really good I will by her an ice-cream with a chocolate flake. Yes, it's been far too long since she visited the sea, I really really hope she can join me there.....
 
 
 
I just wish I could chop myself into two.
 
 
 
Bye for now,
 
 
 
Ada xxx
 
 
 
 

 

Sunday, 13 July 2014

The Woman With Nine Lives.....

 

 
 
I've grown up to believe my Mum has super human powers. Those of you who dispute the fact that Super Heroes exists, are deluding yourselves, I can prove it, she's called My Mum.
 
I knew from a very early age that my mums life hadn't been the easiest. We were an open family, no secrets, as it should be.....would you like to hear about her nine lives?
 
 
Her first life was used up, at the age of thirteen when her, (very much loved), father died suddenly. Now her dad, by all accounts was one of the best husbands, fathers, friends, solider you could ever wish to meet. Her mother literally fell to pieces, and was never the same again. At this young age she took on the role of mother to her baby sister, housekeeper, and carer to her own mum. Money was very tight and she learnt very quickly how to produce delicious meals out of almost nothing.
 
 
Personally I don't think she ever really got over the loss of her dad, she would talk about him as I was growing up, I wish I had met him.
 
 
Her second life was used up, when as a young woman, her heart was broken. She trusted her heart to a lying, cheating man, and consequently she was left, pregnant, unmarried, and abandoned by her family and friends. Outcast and alone, she fought and won, to keep her baby girl. No mean feat in the 1940s, and I am so, so proud of her for being able to do this. I'm not sure I could have been so strong. I don't know if she ever heard from him again, he was much older, with a family......perhaps she was looking for a father figure?
 
 
With a young baby to care for, and no social security to rely on, mum soon became very vulnerable and got jobs where she could. I know at one point she was surviving on an egg and an orange a day, so her daughter could eat. Mum became very undernourished, and during the 1950s had not one, but two bouts of TB. Luckily by this time her family had stepped up to the mark and were supporting her, I'm not sure what would have happened to my Big Sis otherwise.
 
 
Now how many lives is that? Four.
 
 
When she had recovered from her bouts of TB, mum got herself a great job and financially supported her daughter and mum. They settled in to a pattern. Life was ok, lots of good memories and my Big Sis didn't go without. She then met and married my dad.....and two more little girls joined the family! And he loved us all the same.
 
 
Over the next few years, as I was growing up there was a couple of near the knuckle events for mum, a burst appendix and an anaphylactic shock, but she survived.....yep a super hero by any accounts!
 
 
 
Now my mum, as you can tell, has worked hard all her life. When we were growing up we had a little shop. Mum worked from 8am to 10pm (9pm on Sundays!) EVERY DAY.....no holidays, no Christmases, just work, work, work. During their marriage my mum also had her father-in-law, and her own mum live with us.
 
 
 
In 1987, when I married they decided to retire. They got a little council flat and their pension and the world was there oyster. The sense of freedom for her was huge, she joined the over 50s club, yay....a life at last! Within the year she almost died again, with bowel cancer. Now how many lives.....seven.
 
 
Mum survived, and as always made the most of her life. When dad died she still carried on, getting out and about....holidaying with family and friends. She broke her hip, not a near death experience, that one just slowed her down and left her with a hobble!
 
 
Then a couple of years later, she got bowel cancer again, at the age of 81 she had her bowel removed, and had to learn how to live with a stoma. Very difficult, but she did it.....inspirational mum! And a couple of years later, Alzheimer's struck, and the mum we knew left.
 
 
A couple of days ago we learnt that mum has an infection that is causing her flesh to die. Her toes and foot are turning black. Hospital treatment isn't really an option, with her advanced dementia, an operation to remove the dead flesh wouldn't be done. She's on strong antibiotics and after my insistence, pain relief.
 
 
Now you know me for my positivity and my don't ask why, because it's a pointless question....but I am asking why, I'm screaming WHY, WHY, WHY! Why should a woman, who's gone through so much in her life, who's ALWAYS put others before herself, end her life in this way?
 
 
Everyday someone will be with her, I want to fill her room with love....and flowers, she loves flowers....and chocolate when she wants. She's on her last life, and we all know this one will get her, eventually.
 
But I also know My Mum, my Super Hero won't go without a fight. It's been a difficult couple of days for her. I rang this morning to see how she was, she's had a good nights sleep and woke perky.....PERKY! God, I love that woman!
 
 
 
She's the woman who called me.....
 
 
 
Ada Bea :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Waving From The Wings.....

 

 
 
 
 
Just wanted to let you know I'm still here, waving from the wings, but not on centre stage.
 
 

 

 
 
 
So very little to say, or show at the moment......(these images are from my IG feed).
 
 
 
 
 
 
I've got myself some white yarn so I'm hoping these will become cushion covers.....off to Cornwall soon, so these will be a great little project to take with me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Beautiful, colourful flowers......
 
 
 
 
 
 
And beautiful, delicate decals which I've put up in Little Beas room, bargain from Ikea....£8.00! I've seen them for upwards of £30!
 
I keep stopping by your blogs, popping in to say Hi, and having a look at what you are all up too. I've kind of lost my voice at the moment, I feel like I'm in a very strange, unusual place. I really don't like it, and I'm hoping to get back my familiar place soon, but I'm not quite sure how to get there! Need to find that Familiar Place map.....quick, sharp!
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Thursday, 3 July 2014

On My Mantle.......

 

 
 
 
I love my mantle, I love it's blackness.....the depth of its shelf, it feels solid, chunky.....it feels like home.
 
It's not an original, it's not even really in keeping with our 1920s home, but that doesn't matter to me. Perhaps if I'd given it more time and thought, a few years ago when we were replacing our ugly 1980s fireplace, I might have tried to source an original wooden mantle, one with an integral oval mirror, and maybe I will.....one day. But for now I'm happy.
 
 
Inspired by a post written by Lou for Seeds and Stitches I've decided to document, over this next year, what's On My Mantle. This space celebrates, more than anywhere else in our home, what's occurring for us as a family.
 
 
It's where we share our celebrations....Birthdays, special cards for special days....a treasure we might find on a little adventure, my latest charity shop find...something homemade.
 
For years it never changed, I was too busy with work and a young family to even give a thought to what was on there, now it's displays change regularly, echoing and reflecting our family life.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So this was my first image, taken a couple of weeks ago...we'd just had picture rail put up, which gives great proportion to the room. There's the Fathers Day card our girls gave their Dad, and a cheeky little pot dog I had just bought at a local vintage sale.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Last week My Mantle looked very sad......waiting to be decorated!
 

 

 

 
 
 
And today, well......our living room has finally been decorated! I love, love, love the colour! And after almost a year, the lovely little watercolours I bought from Florence are looking snug in their new frames, as is the beautiful print I picked up from Covent Garden. And last night I made the little Pom Pom garland using the yarns in my blanket. I think it looks very cheery there!
 
I will tell you all about the other stories sitting there on My Mantle, but that will have to wait for another time!
 
So, what's on your Mantle? Or Shelf? What area in your home captures what's occurring for you and your family? Let me know if you post an image, I'd love to see!
 
 
I've been popping by to see you all, as and when our Internet allows, (for weeks now our supplier has been updating the line and it usually goes off whilst I'm in the middle of trying to do something online!) I've also been leaving comment and as I press publish they disappear! This has only been happening on blogger, and I don't think it's when the moderator is on....but I will keep trying!
 
 
Weekends coming up......have a good one!
 
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
(Only 64 more squares to go..........)